A week later....

And it still hurts. I still cry daily. My hips are still so sore from the progesterone shots, which is a constant reminder of what we have been through. Some days are better than others, if I try to stay really busy. Some days are hard. Kenny as been picking up some extra shifts at work so we can try to pay off our loan, so that we can take out another loan to pay for the next. It's when he's working and I'm alone that it's hard. I'm stuck between needing the money and needing my husband home with me. Today is one of those hard days.

I have been trying to look at the positives. Lots of people can only afford IVF once, and we will have the money to try again this summer. God has provided for us the opportunity to try again and I'm thankful for that.

Also, all of this has made me appreciate my friends and family even more. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Thank you all for being here for us. It means more than you can know.

And last my husband, I feel closer and more in love with him than I ever have. He is so wonderful to me. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful person in my life. I know it's hard on him too, but he stays positive, and I could not get through this without him.

Looking to IVF # 2

Our first IVF cycle failed. We are hurting pretty bad. It was one of the most crushing phone calls I have ever received. We had tried to prepare ourselves because we had gotten negative pregnancy test, but even though I knew, the phone call still hurt. I am grieving for the three babies that were transferred. I had gotten attached to them and for the week between my transfer and the negative Beta test, I was pregnant. I had three embryos living and growing inside of me and now they are gone. It really hurts.

But, we are trying to stay strong and hopeful for the next cycle. In a couple of weeks when the pain of the loss wears off we will meet with Dr. Storment to talk about what went right, what went wrong and what changes we can make for our next cycle to be successful. We are hoping to try again sometime over the summer.

Transfer

Yesterday I had the transfer. All went well. They ended up transferring all three of our embryos. They were all three at the early blast stage and they couldn't really tell which ones were the healthiest so they transferred all three of them. I asked Dr. Storment what the chance of triplets was and he said very little, less than 1 %.

It was really neat seeing pictures of them and watching them be inserting into my uterus on ultrasound. Let's just hope at least on sticks!

So, here's the funny part...I was instructed to come with a full bladder for the transfer, and I took my orders seriously. I drank a whole bunch of water on the way, not knowing that once I got there I would have to wait almost an hour for the transfer. I had to go so bad, I asked if I could empty my bladder, then drink to fill it back up. The Nurse said I could empty half of my bladder, then drink to fill it back up. I knew there would be no way to stop once I got going so I just decided to hold it. By the time the transfer came, I was hurting. Dr. Storment looked at the Ultrasound and said, man, your bladder is full! So, after the transfer he drained my bladder with a catheter so I could rest more comfortably (you have to lay flat for 30 mins before they let you up). So there I was, spread eagle, on the table, while he drained my bladder in front of Kenny and about 3 other nurses and such. After about a minute everyone started laughing at how long it was taking. Dr. Storment even made an Austin Powers reference! Good thing I lost all shame and dignity about a billion vaginal ultrasounds ago!!!

Transfer pushed back to Saturday

As of yesterday all three embryos were still going strong. All had made it to 8 cells. Transfer will be tomorrow. They will be transferring 2, which means if all three make it we will have to freeze one. I will be on bed rest all weekend, fun! At least Kenny will be off so I won't be alone.

Our Embryos

All three of our embryos are doing great! 2 have made it to 4 cells, and 1 is at 2-cells. They are all a grade 1, which is the best they can be. I was glad to get the phone call, because last night I had a dream that one of them didn't make it. If they are all still going strong tomorrow, they will transfer on Saturday, if we only have two left tomorrow they will do the transfer then. I am so hopeful that this is it, and one or two of these will grow and be our baby/babies:)

Retrieval

Yesterday's retrieval went pretty well. I was a little sore afterward and it hurt to walk around, but I made through and am feeling much better today, still a little soreness, but nothing I can't handle. I was worried about being put to sleep, but it was really no big deal. It just felt like I took a little nap. Dr. Storment said when they woke me I hoped off the operating table like I champ. I have no memory of that, when I got to the room I remember asking the nurse, "How did I get in this bed" haha. Dr. Storment said I was his star patient of the day:)

So the important part...
They were able to get 5 eggs (a little low for my age, but I was on different medicine than most, because I ovulated through the "normal"med they used, so that may be why. Of the 5 eggs, 4 were fully mature. They embryologist called today and said of the 4, 3 were fertilized and doing well. They will have a better idea tomorrow about how they are dividing. It was a little emotional of a phone call. Those embryos are my babies! One (or two) may actually end up being my child/children. It is a really strange feeling. It feels like I am attached to them already and if they don't make it, it will feel almost like losing a child or miscarrying. If you are reading this, please say a prayer for them.

Because there are only three, it will more than likely be a three day transfer, so they will be placed back on Thursday. That means Thursday and Friday I will be on bed rest. Not looking forward to it, but what ever it takes to keep those babies healthy!!

Here is a picture of me before the retrieval at the hospital (before the drugs, lol)...

We're getting close!!!

Today I went for more Labs and pre admitted at the hospital. I am thinking Monday. Things were great with the labs. I was worried about my uterine lining because I was spotting, but it only had to be at and 8, and it was at a 12! Nice and thick for those little embryos to implant. My mom came with me. "Are you getting excited? " she asked as we were leaving. The truth is, I'm having a hard time getting excited. We've been trying for so long and been through so much it's hard to believe there may be a baby at the end of this. I am really just so hopeful. I think it won't feel real until I see a heart beat.

UPDATE

I had more blood work done today. All is well! He left me at 100iu of follistim and 1 amp of menopur. I still haven't started the Ganirelix, that will more than likely be Thursday when I go in for more blood work. Estimated ER is Tuesday, and we are hoping for a 5 day transfer.

Last post I mentioned a little bit of constipation. OMG is it hurting! I am so bloated I feel like a Kentwood Water Jug! Digesting food is so painful I have been limiting myself to small meals only. The nurse said I could take something for it, so hopefully a stool softener will help. The cramps are the worst!

On a non-fertility related note-Wednesday I will have been married to the love of my life for three years:) These have been the most wonderful three years, and I can't wait to see how our love grows when we are finally able to add to our little family.

Things are coming along:)

I started my inject-able stims Friday. It hasn't been too bad. The menopur burns going in, but the follistim is a snap (it can in a pen, how handy!). The only side effects I had had are gas and constipation (I know, TMI, but this blog is so I can always remember what I went though and share it with my child). I have also been a little on the tired side, but nothing I can't handle. I should be on these shots for 10-14 days then I will have the egg retrieval (my first time being sedated, I'm a little scared), and the transfer 3-5 days after that. I am praying for a Christmas miracle! Here's a pic of the supplies for my nightly routine...

Only a couple of days left of Birth Control

I've been on the Birth Control pills for a few days now. Things are MUCH better this time around. Last time the BCPs made me sick, and I spotted the ENTIRE time. This time no spotting and they haven't been making me sick unless I take them on an empty stomach. I go back friday for blood work and should be able to start my meds that day. I ordered the new med and am waiting for it to come in. The Lupron was only about $170, but the new med he replaced it with (Ganerelix) was $500! For only 5 injections! I just keep hoping and praying it is all worth it in the end.

I have been looking at baby stuff (I can't help myself!) and have found a couple comforters that I like. Here are just a couple of the MANY ideas that I like.

Here we go again...

I think we may be back on track. Right now I am waiting for the Doctor's office to call with my blood work. I started Birth control pills again. I was worried that the BCPs are what threw my progesterone out of wack, so they changed the pill I was taking. They also thought maybe I wasn't responding to the Lupron so they switched me to a different suppressor (I think of the name right now). Last time I took BCPs for a month, this time only a couple of weeks. With all these changes in protocol I am really hoping things work out this time. I am ready to get the ball rolling again.

WHY??

I've been wanting to write this post since Sunday but haven't had the time. Sunday morning was business as usual breakfast, then church. After worship right before the sermon there was one word written on the screen in very large letters...

WHY

I knew what the topic would be. Even more than that I knew it was meant for me to hear. You know how sometimes you can read a bible passage, or hear a church service and you just feel every word in your heart and you just KNOW you were meant to hear it? This was one of those moments. I teared up almost immediately. Kenny put his hand on my knee, which I took as his way of letting me know he felt it too.

Why DO bad things happen? If bad things happened to bad people then it would make sense. But why would someone who LOVES the Lord and is a truly good person have horrible things happen to them? Death of a child, sickness, and of course...infertility.

I think when you are going through trials it is natural to ask God why. I have done this too many times to count! And yet, I have no answers. I have had many people give me reasons that they think we are going through this..."it's not the right time" "God is teaching you a lesson" "maybe you're meant to adopt". None of those words brought be any degree of peace. Likewise none of the reasons I have come up with on my own have brought be peace. In reality none of us know why bad things happen. They just do.


I have come to the realization that it doesn't matter why. Maybe I'm not meant to know, or maybe one day I really will figure it out. In the mean time I am just going to love the Lord in the midst of the battle and take comfort in the fact that he is right there with me every step of the way.

IVF on hold:(

Well, my progesterone levels never went back down, so the Dr. had me stop all meds and is going to wait until I start my period and start all over. So, this sets us back about a month. He says we still have a good chance and it is just a bump in the road. We are both pretty upset about it anyway. Thank goodness for my wonderful husband, I don't think I could do this with out him.

Disappointed :(

I was supposed to start my stims tonight, but when I went for my blood work today they said my progesterone levels are too high, so I have to wait:( They want me to continue the Lupron and come back Sunday. Hopefully I'll be able to start Sunday night. I am so sad and worried. They assured me it is just a normal bump in the road and the Lupron should bring it down. This got me realizing that there may be MANY disappointments along the way. In the end I may end up with the HUGE disappointment of not conceiving. For this reason I think I am going to be a little more private about my IVF. I am still going to update my blog because to me it is like a diary of my experience that I'll always want to remember, I'm just not going to post it to my facebook anymore. This will be the last. If you truly care about what's going on and really want to know, feel free to check in every once and a while.

One a happier note...
I am the PROUD Godmother to the beautiful Aryanna Bella Cuccio! She is so perfect and amazing! I was blessed to be there today. She weighed 7 lbs even and was 21 inches long:) I am going to be spoiling her big time! Maybe I'll have a girl and they can be BFF like me and my wonderful friend Mary:) I love you so much girl!

Update

Tonight will be my 5th Lupron injection. No bad side effects other than feeling a little tired, bloated, and some soreness and bruising at the injection sites. Today was also my last day of birth control! Thursday I go for blood work and U/S in the morning and will start my stims that night. This should all be happening in the next 2 weeks! I am beyond ready! I am so hopeful. Sometimes I feel so sure that it will work, and sometimes I'm sure it will fail. At this point we have tried for so long, that it is hard for me to imagine actually being pregnant. All that I can do at this point is pray and hope that it is God's will for me to conceive this time.

1st day of Lupron

Kenny just gave me my first Lupron injection. I have to say I was nervous at first, but he did great! It barely hurt! Next Thursday we start the stims, so he will be giving me a total of 3 injections per night until the egg retrieval. Then we will do the HCG shot like before, and then I start the progesterone. Things are moving along and we are so excited!

This is what $1900 worth of medication looks like...

Over the next month, all of this will be in me! Forgive me if I am acting a little crazy!!

I start the Lupron next week, and the others the week after. There are also antibiotics so that I don't get an infection after the egg retrieval. 5 of the meds are injecatable! I guess now is a good time to get over my fear of needles:p

Mock Transfer

I had my Mock transfer today and everything looked good. Basically he measures the cervix and Uterus so he knows exactly where to put the embryos when it is time for the real transfer. It wasn't too bad, but I am having some mild cramping. Luckily I took the rest of the day off to rest.

With the start of September comes the actual start of the IVF cycle. We are excited,nervous, scared, and about a million other emotions! We pray about it daily, and all other prayers are more than welcomed! Here is what we have to look forward to over the next few weeks.

8/20 Started Birth Control Pills (they made me kind of sick for the first few days, but that wore off once I got used to them.)
8/30 Mock transfer, ordered meds
8/31 IVF orientation
9/9 Ultrasound and Blood work, Start Lupron
9/13 Last day of Birth control!
9/16 Ultrasound and Bloodwork, start stims
9/19 Ultrasound and bloodwork
9/22-9/26 Daily Blood work and Ultrasounds until egg retrieval, Transfer 3-5 days later...Then...WE WAIT!

Update on the IVF

We are still on for September!

We had a little scare a couple weeks ago. Kenny had to do ANOTHER semen analysis. No big deal, just part of the testing process, or so we thought. His count came back as "0"!! We were devastated:( You don't need many sperm for IVF, but you do need SOME. The Dr. told us to come back for a repeat and said that if there were sperm in this sample he would freeze it. This time we got a hotel, so that Kenny could relax, rather than having to give a sample on the spot at the clinic. Thank goodness his sample came back low, but at least had some sperm in it. The last one was evidently a fluke. They froze it and will use it as back up in case he has a zero count on the day of the egg retrieval. The worst part is that the freezing was ANOTHER expense that we weren't counting on. This stuff is getting expensive! So...What's next? Today I applied for financing, which we will hopefully get, or we'll be screwed! In the next coupled weeks I will start my cycle, and go back for a few more pre-screening tests (mock transfer and cervical culture) and I will start my birth control pills. After that things will start moving more quickly and I will soon be starting the process of the egg retrieval and transfer. For now I am going to focus on the new school year, and hope that this time next year I will be on maternity leave!!!

Moving on to IVF...

I have been putting off blogging about the last IUI, mostly because I have been too heart broken. Kenny's count was at an all time low. The other problem with the infection cleared up, but his count hasn't gotten better, it has actually gotten worse. I looked up the chances with his count and they are about 2.5%. Not good odds at all. So, now the Dr. has told us that our only chance for conceiving is IVF (in vitro fertilization). Before you even ask, because I know you were going to (some already have)...No, I am not worried about higher order multiples!!!! IVF at my clinic has a little over a 50% success rate, (the Dr. says we have a little better chance because we have male factor only) 25% twin rate and 0% chance of Triplets. This is because when you do IVF the Dr. only puts a certain number of embryos in the uterus. If you only put two, you can only get two babies at the most. So what went wrong with Octo-mom? She didn't have a wonderful and smart Doctor like I have. Her Dr. implanted 6 embryos (two of which split into identical twins), well above the norm, which is 2-3, 3 being the number they transfer for older woman with unhealthy eggs or low ovarian reserve, or if after fertilization the embryos are of low quality.

My biggest worry, other than it not working, is the price tag. The financial coordinator called me this afternoon with prices and I almost fell out of my chair! Added to the thousands that we have already paid we could own a small island! But, a baby is better. If there was ever anything that was so worth the money it would be this. Becoming a Mommy is my number one goal. Everything else is secondary. We will have to cut back our spending A LOT, but I don't mind at all. We will obviously have to finance...unless anyone out there has about 13 grand they would be willing to part with:p

The process...

Step 1: Birth control
BIRTH CONTROL! Yes, you heard me right. I will have to be on Birth control for a cycle before they start to stimulate my ovaries. This is kind of the calm before the storm. They want the ovaries to be calm for a cycle because they are going to get their butts kicked in the next cycle, that is, if ovaries had butts to kick. It also helps to time things so that we can start the next cycle at a time that is convenient for the us and the Dr. At the end of this cycle they will give me a drug called Lupron, which will keep my body from releasing any eggs, which I will be on until they are ready to retrieve my eggs (a self administered daily injection of course)

Step 2: Stim Start
This is the start of the stimulation phase. During this time I will take daily hormone injections called gonadotropins which will stimulate my ovaries to make lots of follicles, rather than just one. At the end of this cycle they will give me progesterone in either an injection or vaginal suppository (never thought I would prefer a suppository) which will make the uterine lining nice and thick for an embryo to implant itself in.

Step 3: Egg retrieval
This is by far the hardest part of the process. The eggs have to be harvested surgically in an operating room, under anesthesia. Basically the Dr. will use a sonogram to guide a long thin needle through the vaginal wall, pierce the follicles on the ovaries and draw up the fluid and egg, which are contained in the follicle.

Step 4: The embryos
The embryologist will inject a single sperm into the each mature egg. (we are paying an extra $1,200 for this procedure, usually they just combine them in a dish and let them fertilize, but since we have low count, we are doing this process known as ICSI). The embryos that make it will then be transferred 3-5 days later. If we have extras, which I am REALLY hoping for, they can be frozen and used at a later date. This would be our only opportunity to have more children, because I will not do this process again. I may change my mind down the road, but for now I only see myself doing this once, unless we don't conceive, then I would do it again as soon as we could afford to.

Step 5: The Transfer
This is similar to the IUIs that I have done in the past and involve a catheter through the cervix, they then transfer the embryos into the uterus.

So there ya have it. Our next step in this crazy process of becoming parents. There have been so many tears shed already, and I know there are more to come. IVF is a long, painful process, both physically and emotionally, but I think I am ready. The Birth control cycle will more than likely be in August and IVF in September. If I seem crazy over the next few months you can be sure it is either emotions, or hormones, or both. It is going to be a long hard road which may, or may not lead to a baby, but we had to try it. We are out of options and want a baby so desperately. If you are reading this and have children go into the other room and give them a big hug and kiss. You are blessed and don't ever take it for granted. Please keep Kenny and I in you prayers. XOXO

Follicle Scan/blood work

Today I had blood work and a follicle scan. I only had one mature follicle, which was a little disappointing because last time I had two at this point. I did have LOTS of smaller ones. The 3 largest were 19mm, 14mm, and 12mm. Last time they were 19mm, 18mm, and 14mm (18mm is considered mature, only mature follicles will release an egg) I felt a lot better about it after getting the results of my blood work. Last time I was about to ovulate and had the IUI done the next day. This time I was not quite ready, which is why the follicles are not that big. So, I will do my HCG trigger (a shot that releases the eggs form the follicles and makes them grow) tomorrow night and will be inseminated on Monday. I am PRAYING that it works this time! The bad news is Dr. Storment is going on Vacation this weekend, so I will have to see a different Dr. this time. I just knew I would ovulate over 4th of July weekend!

Day 3 Ultrasound looked good

Today I went for my baseline Ultrasound. Everything looked good. I will take my fertility drugs tonight at bed time. So, by tomorrow morning I will be a hormonal mess, but it will all be worth it in the end:)

Here we go again!

Despite the fact that our urologist knew NOTHING about infertility, we were able to force him to run tests and found out the source of the infection. So...drum roll please....After two more weeks on the antibiotic Cipro, Kenny's semen was white blood cell free!!!!! Well, not exactly free, but there were under 1 million, which is completely normal! As soon as my next cycle starts we will be picking up again with the IUIs. We are so happy, excited and most of all hopeful.

The urologist is officially wrong!

We got the results back on the semen culture and white blood cell count. Dr. Storment was right! They are indeed white blood cells and Kenny does indeed have an infection. The urologist just KNEW that was not the problem and I had to BEG for the testing!! Dr. Storment is a GYNECOLOGIST and knows more about sperm than this so called urologist! I hate that he tried to belittle the only Dr. that I can trust acting like he didn't know what he was talking about when he was the one that was wrong!! As you can see, I'm pretty cheesed off and am thinking about giving that Dr. a piece of my mind! We are, of course, looking for a new urologist.

I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH GREAT THINGS ABOUT DR. SORMENT AND HIS TEAM!! EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE MALE FERTILITY HE HAS BEEN AWESOME AND VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE. HE IS AN AWESOME DR. AND DOES SOME REALLY GREAT THINGS FOR THE COMMUNITY. I AM BLESSED TO HAVE FOUND HIM!

Haven't updated in a while...

That is because I have no clue what is going on! Kenny finished his antibiotics a few months ago, but they told us it may take a few months to see a difference. So...we have been waiting....and waiting...and waiting! Finally our appointment came. Things were pretty much the same. The urologist seems to think that it isn't white blood cells, but immature sperm. They look the same under a microscope and the only way to see a difference is a special staining process. So, today he says he is sure that they are immature sperm. Well, did the lab do the staining I asked him (he seemed surprised that I had done my research and new what I was talking about). "Well, no...they don't do that here" was his response. "So how do you know?" He didn't answer that question, just scheduled ANOTHER semen analysis (which will have to be sent off) and semen culture to check for infection. I can't understand why he didn't do that before!!! I am really aggravated. He made up his mind what the issue is and refused to test for anything else. He just wants us to do more IUIs. The problem is, if it is white blood cells, the IUI won't work! Each IUI is about $1,000 (we've already done 1 w/out success) with meds (not to mention uncomfortable, the meds have terrible side effects and I have to give myself shots in the belly!). It makes me mad that he would want us to waste the time, money, and sanity without being sure.

Sooo, what's our next step? Kenny will do another semen analysis this week, we'll get the results, then start looking for a new Urologist. Preferably one OUTSIDE of Lake Charles! Most (not all) of the Drs here are Qacks! In the mean time we are busy packing and will be in our new house by the end of this month. It has been a real blessing having something to distract me!

Still waiting for our Rainbow

Kenny had his appointment with the urologist today. The dr. said it could be a number of things. He said if it is an infection, after the antibiotics it could take a few months for things to go back to normal. So, he wants us to wait two months, then go back for ANOTHER semen analysis. This was not the news that I wanted to hear. We want to have a baby so bad and it is VERY hard to wait when you want something so badly. Of course, I was devastated. It took all I had not to cry at work today.

After Kenny gave me the news, I felt horrible. It seems like all we get is bad news. I kept asking myself, "is the news ever going to get better". In the midst of feeling sorry for myself, I was looking out the window with the kids in my class. The weather matched my mood perfectly. It was raining, depressing, and bleak outside. We were talking about how yucky it looked outside when one of my kids out of the blue said, "after it rains you get to see a rainbow, remember!" Those words touched my heart. I felt it was God. I felt like he was saying to me, "just wait, things may seem bleak now, but I have wonderful, beautiful plans for you." So, for now we have to go through the storm for a few more months. But I know one day, not sure when, but one day we will have our rainbow.

Urology apointment Monday...Please Pray

After Kenny's last blood cell count things have gone from bad to worse. He has gone from having about 2 million, to 14 million, and now 32 million white blood cells per/ml. That number should be under 1 million. Kenny will be seeing a urologist Monday to find a cause and see what the next step is. The Dr has not given us a reason to worry, but of course I am. Kenny's health is my number one priority. Please pray #1 for his health and that everything is ok, and #2 that this appointment gets us one step closer to being parents.

In the mean time we are still taking a break (NOT by choice). Until the we get something figured out with this white blood cell problem they don't want us wasting our money on treatment that won't work.

In the mean time...

We should be getting Kenny's white blood cell count soon, hopefully next week, a little too late. We have already missed our chance to try this cycle so even if things check out we will still have to wait for next cycle. In the mean time I have decided that the best thing I can do for my baby is to get myself healthy. I am back on weight watchers, which helped me lost a little over 10 last month. (I gained 6 of them back over the holidays). I have also been walking and am planning to start running next week. It has been YEARS since the last time I ran! I am going to start the couch to 5K plan which slowly increases the amount of time that you run each session. So, wish me luck!

taking a month off:(

We are taking this month off from the baby making business. We went in at the start of this cycle and Kenny's white blood cell count is still too high (1 million is considered to be high and he had 12.4 million). They don't want us wasting our money on procedures when he has that many white blood cells. They cause all sorts of sperm problems and interfere with implantation. They want him to finish his antibiotics, then come in for another semen analysis to see if it helped. If not, and his white blood cell count is still to high after the antibiotics they will send us to a urologist to see what is causing the problem and get them under control. Please pray that is was just an infection and it clears up so we can start again for our next cycle. In the mean time, Kenny and I are using this time to focus on each other and our wonderful life together. We are so blessed to be so in love with each other and in a way it is nice to be able to focus all my attention on my wonderful husband.

I should mention that a prostate infection isn't serious or painful. The only side effect is infertility and the Dr said many people go years with them without ever knowing until they try to have children.