Wow, just in the past two days since I have "come out of the closet" with my infertility I have met two other couples going through the same thing. After 20 months of feeling like it was only us, like we were the only infertile couple in the world, I am realizing that we are not alone. Statistically, 1 in 10 couples of child bearing age will be effected by infertility. I knew the statistic, but even so, I felt like we were the only ones. I am actually glad that I chose to put it out there/ Now, I don't have to feel like I am alone, and I can be there for other couples, so that they don't have to feel like they are the only ones going through this struggle.
I have spent many months feeling embarrassed about our fertility issues. Well, those days are over. We are ready to be proactive about our fertility.
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Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Now that you know...
Now that you know about our struggle you may be wondering what you should (or shouldn't) say. Though people mean well, unless you have gone through infertility, you can't understand. Over the past 20 months people have said many hurtful comments to me and Kenny, even though they weren't meant in a hurtful way. Here are some rules of "infertility etiquette" that I think most infertile women would agree upon. I have been told ALL of these by various people.
Don't tell me to relax.
Don't tell me I'm trying too hard, or that if we went on a vacation and relaxed we'd come back pregnant. This is not statistically true. We are as relaxed as we can be given the circumstance.
Don't tell me how easy it was for you to get pregnant.
"all my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant". Well good for you...moving on
Don't devalue your children.
I have actually been told "take on of mine!" Of course it was a joke meant to lighten the mood. But don't belittle my struggle by cracking jokes, especially about you children. You are blessed. You have what I want more than anything, appreciate it.
Don't tell me why God is doing this.
This is the worst and most hurtful thing I have been told, and I hear the most often. People say "God wants you to wait for this" or "You don't need infertility treatments if you just have faith that God will bless you with a child". Don't you think if God was in the business of divinely sterilizing people that he would choose pregnancies that would end in abortion anyway? Or people who go on to abuse or murder their children? No, I don't think God is the creator of infertility (or any other medical condition for that matter). I do think that God allows us to go through certain things in order to shape our faith and character.
Don't tell to adopt, or that if I do adopt I will then become pregnant.
I'm not saying that eventually down the road adoption is not a possibility. At this point I have not yet given up on my dream to be pregnant and feel a baby living inside of me. Or the dream that I will have a beautiful baby who is the perfect mix of me and Kenny's genes. That point may come, but right now I plan to do WHATEVER it takes to become pregnant. I also hate it when people say "once you adopt you will get pregnant" There are two problems with this. the first is that statistically it is untrue. Studies show that the rate of conception for infertile couples who adopt is the same for those who do not. Meaning those who adopted and got pregnant would have conceived whether they had adopted or not. The other issue is that it makes adoption seem like a means to an end, rather than a happy ending in itself.
You are not a doctor. Don't diagnose me!
The infertility doctor I am seeing comes highly recommended by my ob-gyn and by other people I know who have been to him. I am confidant that he will be able to find the issue and treat us. I don't need to hear theories about why we aren't pregnant. When I mention fertility issues one of the first things people ask is "aren't you worried about multiples". The answer is no. If fertility treatments are what I need then it is well worth the risk. Besides, the incidences of couples getting more than twins is VERY rare. Octo-mom had 6 embryos put into her. The most number of embryos that doctors will normally put is 2 or 3. The reason all these women make headlines is because it is rare. If it happened to all couples who did fertility treatments it wouldn't make headlines, because it would be the norm. I have spent HOURS UPON HOURS research various methods of fertility treatments and I know all of the statistics!
Here is what you can say
Just let me know that you are think about us and praying for us. There is really nothing that you can do to help besides being supportive of all of our decision regarding our treatment, and just being there to listen.
If you have said any of these things to me or another infertile couple, DON'T SWEAT IT! I ain't mad atcha! I know that people mean no harm and that sometimes you just don't know what to say. That is the whole point of this post:) LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, you all!
Don't tell me to relax.
Don't tell me I'm trying too hard, or that if we went on a vacation and relaxed we'd come back pregnant. This is not statistically true. We are as relaxed as we can be given the circumstance.
Don't tell me how easy it was for you to get pregnant.
"all my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant". Well good for you...moving on
Don't devalue your children.
I have actually been told "take on of mine!" Of course it was a joke meant to lighten the mood. But don't belittle my struggle by cracking jokes, especially about you children. You are blessed. You have what I want more than anything, appreciate it.
Don't tell me why God is doing this.
This is the worst and most hurtful thing I have been told, and I hear the most often. People say "God wants you to wait for this" or "You don't need infertility treatments if you just have faith that God will bless you with a child". Don't you think if God was in the business of divinely sterilizing people that he would choose pregnancies that would end in abortion anyway? Or people who go on to abuse or murder their children? No, I don't think God is the creator of infertility (or any other medical condition for that matter). I do think that God allows us to go through certain things in order to shape our faith and character.
Don't tell to adopt, or that if I do adopt I will then become pregnant.
I'm not saying that eventually down the road adoption is not a possibility. At this point I have not yet given up on my dream to be pregnant and feel a baby living inside of me. Or the dream that I will have a beautiful baby who is the perfect mix of me and Kenny's genes. That point may come, but right now I plan to do WHATEVER it takes to become pregnant. I also hate it when people say "once you adopt you will get pregnant" There are two problems with this. the first is that statistically it is untrue. Studies show that the rate of conception for infertile couples who adopt is the same for those who do not. Meaning those who adopted and got pregnant would have conceived whether they had adopted or not. The other issue is that it makes adoption seem like a means to an end, rather than a happy ending in itself.
You are not a doctor. Don't diagnose me!
The infertility doctor I am seeing comes highly recommended by my ob-gyn and by other people I know who have been to him. I am confidant that he will be able to find the issue and treat us. I don't need to hear theories about why we aren't pregnant. When I mention fertility issues one of the first things people ask is "aren't you worried about multiples". The answer is no. If fertility treatments are what I need then it is well worth the risk. Besides, the incidences of couples getting more than twins is VERY rare. Octo-mom had 6 embryos put into her. The most number of embryos that doctors will normally put is 2 or 3. The reason all these women make headlines is because it is rare. If it happened to all couples who did fertility treatments it wouldn't make headlines, because it would be the norm. I have spent HOURS UPON HOURS research various methods of fertility treatments and I know all of the statistics!
Here is what you can say
Just let me know that you are think about us and praying for us. There is really nothing that you can do to help besides being supportive of all of our decision regarding our treatment, and just being there to listen.
If you have said any of these things to me or another infertile couple, DON'T SWEAT IT! I ain't mad atcha! I know that people mean no harm and that sometimes you just don't know what to say. That is the whole point of this post:) LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, you all!
Coming out of the closet
Very few people know about the year and a half struggle that Kenny and I have been going through, but I am now ready to "come out of the closet" so to speak. This blog will serve two purposes, 1. give me a place to vent and 2. allow people who love us and want to be informed about our struggle to find out information without having to constantly talk about it. So here goes...
We are infertile. Not a phrase I like to say very often, but there it is. Kenny and I were married on November 10th, 2007, and decided we wanted a baby right away. We officially started trying February 14th, 2007. This means that we have been trying for a LONG 20 months. As of right now, we have no answers as to why it has taken so long. We wanted to try for a while before we decided to seek help. Which we did.
What's next? Well, now we want answers, then we will go from there. We have an appointment with a fertility specialist November 4th. Hopefully he will run tests, tell us what is wrong, and then we can get down to treating the problem.
To all my friends and family...Thank you for your love and support as we deal with this very difficult struggle. It has been hard, and there are days that I have cried myself to sleep, but you have been there for me, I couldn't go through this without you
To my wonderful Husband...I love you!!!! You have been so great to me througout this difficult time. You always say the right things when I am down. Your faith in God is one of your most attrative qaulities to me. It amazes me how you stay faithful, even when I feel doubtful. You have been so loving and patient with me. You are my shoulder to cry on, my best friend, my life, my world, my everything. I can't imagine going through this hard time in my life with anyone else. This struggle has made us grow closer together and I am thankful for that. I feel so blessed that even though I have to go through hard times, I get to do it with my best friend:)
We are infertile. Not a phrase I like to say very often, but there it is. Kenny and I were married on November 10th, 2007, and decided we wanted a baby right away. We officially started trying February 14th, 2007. This means that we have been trying for a LONG 20 months. As of right now, we have no answers as to why it has taken so long. We wanted to try for a while before we decided to seek help. Which we did.
What's next? Well, now we want answers, then we will go from there. We have an appointment with a fertility specialist November 4th. Hopefully he will run tests, tell us what is wrong, and then we can get down to treating the problem.
To all my friends and family...Thank you for your love and support as we deal with this very difficult struggle. It has been hard, and there are days that I have cried myself to sleep, but you have been there for me, I couldn't go through this without you
To my wonderful Husband...I love you!!!! You have been so great to me througout this difficult time. You always say the right things when I am down. Your faith in God is one of your most attrative qaulities to me. It amazes me how you stay faithful, even when I feel doubtful. You have been so loving and patient with me. You are my shoulder to cry on, my best friend, my life, my world, my everything. I can't imagine going through this hard time in my life with anyone else. This struggle has made us grow closer together and I am thankful for that. I feel so blessed that even though I have to go through hard times, I get to do it with my best friend:)
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