Now that you know...

Now that you know about our struggle you may be wondering what you should (or shouldn't) say. Though people mean well, unless you have gone through infertility, you can't understand. Over the past 20 months people have said many hurtful comments to me and Kenny, even though they weren't meant in a hurtful way. Here are some rules of "infertility etiquette" that I think most infertile women would agree upon. I have been told ALL of these by various people.

Don't tell me to relax.
Don't tell me I'm trying too hard, or that if we went on a vacation and relaxed we'd come back pregnant. This is not statistically true. We are as relaxed as we can be given the circumstance.

Don't tell me how easy it was for you to get pregnant.
"all my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant". Well good for you...moving on

Don't devalue your children.
I have actually been told "take on of mine!" Of course it was a joke meant to lighten the mood. But don't belittle my struggle by cracking jokes, especially about you children. You are blessed. You have what I want more than anything, appreciate it.

Don't tell me why God is doing this.
This is the worst and most hurtful thing I have been told, and I hear the most often. People say "God wants you to wait for this" or "You don't need infertility treatments if you just have faith that God will bless you with a child". Don't you think if God was in the business of divinely sterilizing people that he would choose pregnancies that would end in abortion anyway? Or people who go on to abuse or murder their children? No, I don't think God is the creator of infertility (or any other medical condition for that matter). I do think that God allows us to go through certain things in order to shape our faith and character.

Don't tell to adopt, or that if I do adopt I will then become pregnant.
I'm not saying that eventually down the road adoption is not a possibility. At this point I have not yet given up on my dream to be pregnant and feel a baby living inside of me. Or the dream that I will have a beautiful baby who is the perfect mix of me and Kenny's genes. That point may come, but right now I plan to do WHATEVER it takes to become pregnant. I also hate it when people say "once you adopt you will get pregnant" There are two problems with this. the first is that statistically it is untrue. Studies show that the rate of conception for infertile couples who adopt is the same for those who do not. Meaning those who adopted and got pregnant would have conceived whether they had adopted or not. The other issue is that it makes adoption seem like a means to an end, rather than a happy ending in itself.

You are not a doctor. Don't diagnose me!
The infertility doctor I am seeing comes highly recommended by my ob-gyn and by other people I know who have been to him. I am confidant that he will be able to find the issue and treat us. I don't need to hear theories about why we aren't pregnant. When I mention fertility issues one of the first things people ask is "aren't you worried about multiples". The answer is no. If fertility treatments are what I need then it is well worth the risk. Besides, the incidences of couples getting more than twins is VERY rare. Octo-mom had 6 embryos put into her. The most number of embryos that doctors will normally put is 2 or 3. The reason all these women make headlines is because it is rare. If it happened to all couples who did fertility treatments it wouldn't make headlines, because it would be the norm. I have spent HOURS UPON HOURS research various methods of fertility treatments and I know all of the statistics!

Here is what you can say
Just let me know that you are think about us and praying for us. There is really nothing that you can do to help besides being supportive of all of our decision regarding our treatment, and just being there to listen.

If you have said any of these things to me or another infertile couple, DON'T SWEAT IT! I ain't mad atcha! I know that people mean no harm and that sometimes you just don't know what to say. That is the whole point of this post:) LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, you all!