I don't think this is our month...

Well, I took a pregnancy test today and got what the fertility bloggers call a BFN (Big Fat Negative!). It's not looking like it is going to happen for us this month. We are sad of course, but doing well and trying to stay positive. I've just been trying to keep my mind off of things and stay busy. I just wish I would start my period already so we can start all over! Our doctor thinks that Kenny has a prostate infection which is causing white blood cells to be in his semen, which is not good. At our last appointment he put him on antibiotics, which hopefully will help. Our plan for next month is to pretty much do the same thing (femera, HCG injection, IUI), but with hopefully a better sperm count.

I will praise you in this storm

I recently came across this song by casting crowns and it really spoke to my spirit. It has been difficult for me to remain faithful through this tough journey. But in the end I know that God is in control of our situation, and I will continue to love and praise him for all of the wonderful blessings I have in my life and those yet to come:)

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Started fertilty drugs Sunday

I took my fertility drugs Sunday. I am taking Femera, which I have read is supposed to have fewer side effects than clomid. The first couple days were a snap, but today I feel the hormones raging! I cry at the drop of a hat, and have had crazy hot flashes! It really isn't so bad, it could be much worse. Hopefully it will be worth it in the end! The good news is that since Femera isn't considered a "fertility drug" it was covered by my insurance...YAY!

The results are in!

Well, we finally have a plan of action to get this baby brought into the world! Next month we will do a combination of IUI and also the fertility drug Femera! Hopefully it will work!

HSG went great today

I had my HSG today. All went well. I was very worried because some women, especially those with blocked tubes, have very intense pain. It was almost pain free. Just a little bit of mild cramping when he injected the dye, but it only lasted for a second. Both tubes were completely open. He did see something that he thought might have been a polyp, so he sent me back to his clinic (we were at the hospital) to have an ultra sound done. This was the scariest part because he was saying that I would need surgery to correct it. It turned out to be nothing, probably just an air bubble. So, basically I am all good to go. We should be getting Kenny's results tomorrow. We are pretty sure he is going to schedule the IUI for my next cycle.

Step one...Check:)

Today Kenny and I had our first appointment with our new doctor, a reproductive endocrinologist, or RE for short. Not too much happened today. We met our doctor, got some information (which I already new because I have spent HOURS researching infertility!), talked about testing (which will take place next week), and went through some scenarios.

I'll start with the testing...

We will drive to Lafayette some time next week for testing. For me they will do some blood test to test hormone levels and do what is called and HSG (hysterosalpingogram). For this test he will insert a small catheter through the cervix and then inject a dye through my fallopian tubes, which will show up on the x-ray. It shouldn't be too bad, he said I would have some cramping, but hopefully not too bad. This checks for blockages of the fallopian tubes as well as abnormalities of the uterus. For Kenny, they will do a semen analysis (which of course won't be the highlight of his day)

Here are the possibilities we are looking at after we get our results...
If they don't find any problems, he will start me on clomid (a fertility drug that helps with ovulation)

If we end up with a low sperm count, but have at least 10 million, he will do an IUI (intrauterine insemination) with clomid. This is where they will insert a a catheter through the cervix and feed the sperm through, directly into the uterus.

If we have more sever problems we will start talking IVF (In vitro fertilization ). This is where an egg and sperm are combined in a lab, and the the developing embryos are then placed into the uterus for implantation. He said less than 10% of his patients need this expensive and invasive treatment to get pregnant. I say invasive because eggs have to be surgically harvested. I would also be having to give myself shots daily to ensure that there would be enough eggs to make the embryos. Hopefully it won't get this far.

So, now I am looking forward to next week so we can find out what our next step is. I probably won't be posting the results of the tests. I think we will keep that part private. I don't know if the problem is him, me or both of us, and it doesn't really matter. If one of us is infertile, we both are. That is why I am choosing to keep that part private. That's about it for now, thanks you all for your support!!!!

WOW! We are not alone!

Wow, just in the past two days since I have "come out of the closet" with my infertility I have met two other couples going through the same thing. After 20 months of feeling like it was only us, like we were the only infertile couple in the world, I am realizing that we are not alone. Statistically, 1 in 10 couples of child bearing age will be effected by infertility. I knew the statistic, but even so, I felt like we were the only ones. I am actually glad that I chose to put it out there/ Now, I don't have to feel like I am alone, and I can be there for other couples, so that they don't have to feel like they are the only ones going through this struggle.

I have spent many months feeling embarrassed about our fertility issues. Well, those days are over. We are ready to be proactive about our fertility.

Now that you know...

Now that you know about our struggle you may be wondering what you should (or shouldn't) say. Though people mean well, unless you have gone through infertility, you can't understand. Over the past 20 months people have said many hurtful comments to me and Kenny, even though they weren't meant in a hurtful way. Here are some rules of "infertility etiquette" that I think most infertile women would agree upon. I have been told ALL of these by various people.

Don't tell me to relax.
Don't tell me I'm trying too hard, or that if we went on a vacation and relaxed we'd come back pregnant. This is not statistically true. We are as relaxed as we can be given the circumstance.

Don't tell me how easy it was for you to get pregnant.
"all my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant". Well good for you...moving on

Don't devalue your children.
I have actually been told "take on of mine!" Of course it was a joke meant to lighten the mood. But don't belittle my struggle by cracking jokes, especially about you children. You are blessed. You have what I want more than anything, appreciate it.

Don't tell me why God is doing this.
This is the worst and most hurtful thing I have been told, and I hear the most often. People say "God wants you to wait for this" or "You don't need infertility treatments if you just have faith that God will bless you with a child". Don't you think if God was in the business of divinely sterilizing people that he would choose pregnancies that would end in abortion anyway? Or people who go on to abuse or murder their children? No, I don't think God is the creator of infertility (or any other medical condition for that matter). I do think that God allows us to go through certain things in order to shape our faith and character.

Don't tell to adopt, or that if I do adopt I will then become pregnant.
I'm not saying that eventually down the road adoption is not a possibility. At this point I have not yet given up on my dream to be pregnant and feel a baby living inside of me. Or the dream that I will have a beautiful baby who is the perfect mix of me and Kenny's genes. That point may come, but right now I plan to do WHATEVER it takes to become pregnant. I also hate it when people say "once you adopt you will get pregnant" There are two problems with this. the first is that statistically it is untrue. Studies show that the rate of conception for infertile couples who adopt is the same for those who do not. Meaning those who adopted and got pregnant would have conceived whether they had adopted or not. The other issue is that it makes adoption seem like a means to an end, rather than a happy ending in itself.

You are not a doctor. Don't diagnose me!
The infertility doctor I am seeing comes highly recommended by my ob-gyn and by other people I know who have been to him. I am confidant that he will be able to find the issue and treat us. I don't need to hear theories about why we aren't pregnant. When I mention fertility issues one of the first things people ask is "aren't you worried about multiples". The answer is no. If fertility treatments are what I need then it is well worth the risk. Besides, the incidences of couples getting more than twins is VERY rare. Octo-mom had 6 embryos put into her. The most number of embryos that doctors will normally put is 2 or 3. The reason all these women make headlines is because it is rare. If it happened to all couples who did fertility treatments it wouldn't make headlines, because it would be the norm. I have spent HOURS UPON HOURS research various methods of fertility treatments and I know all of the statistics!

Here is what you can say
Just let me know that you are think about us and praying for us. There is really nothing that you can do to help besides being supportive of all of our decision regarding our treatment, and just being there to listen.

If you have said any of these things to me or another infertile couple, DON'T SWEAT IT! I ain't mad atcha! I know that people mean no harm and that sometimes you just don't know what to say. That is the whole point of this post:) LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, you all!

Coming out of the closet

Very few people know about the year and a half struggle that Kenny and I have been going through, but I am now ready to "come out of the closet" so to speak. This blog will serve two purposes, 1. give me a place to vent and 2. allow people who love us and want to be informed about our struggle to find out information without having to constantly talk about it. So here goes...

We are infertile. Not a phrase I like to say very often, but there it is. Kenny and I were married on November 10th, 2007, and decided we wanted a baby right away. We officially started trying February 14th, 2007. This means that we have been trying for a LONG 20 months. As of right now, we have no answers as to why it has taken so long. We wanted to try for a while before we decided to seek help. Which we did.

What's next? Well, now we want answers, then we will go from there. We have an appointment with a fertility specialist November 4th. Hopefully he will run tests, tell us what is wrong, and then we can get down to treating the problem.

To all my friends and family...Thank you for your love and support as we deal with this very difficult struggle. It has been hard, and there are days that I have cried myself to sleep, but you have been there for me, I couldn't go through this without you

To my wonderful Husband...I love you!!!! You have been so great to me througout this difficult time. You always say the right things when I am down. Your faith in God is one of your most attrative qaulities to me. It amazes me how you stay faithful, even when I feel doubtful. You have been so loving and patient with me. You are my shoulder to cry on, my best friend, my life, my world, my everything. I can't imagine going through this hard time in my life with anyone else. This struggle has made us grow closer together and I am thankful for that. I feel so blessed that even though I have to go through hard times, I get to do it with my best friend:)