WHY??

I've been wanting to write this post since Sunday but haven't had the time. Sunday morning was business as usual breakfast, then church. After worship right before the sermon there was one word written on the screen in very large letters...

WHY

I knew what the topic would be. Even more than that I knew it was meant for me to hear. You know how sometimes you can read a bible passage, or hear a church service and you just feel every word in your heart and you just KNOW you were meant to hear it? This was one of those moments. I teared up almost immediately. Kenny put his hand on my knee, which I took as his way of letting me know he felt it too.

Why DO bad things happen? If bad things happened to bad people then it would make sense. But why would someone who LOVES the Lord and is a truly good person have horrible things happen to them? Death of a child, sickness, and of course...infertility.

I think when you are going through trials it is natural to ask God why. I have done this too many times to count! And yet, I have no answers. I have had many people give me reasons that they think we are going through this..."it's not the right time" "God is teaching you a lesson" "maybe you're meant to adopt". None of those words brought be any degree of peace. Likewise none of the reasons I have come up with on my own have brought be peace. In reality none of us know why bad things happen. They just do.


I have come to the realization that it doesn't matter why. Maybe I'm not meant to know, or maybe one day I really will figure it out. In the mean time I am just going to love the Lord in the midst of the battle and take comfort in the fact that he is right there with me every step of the way.

IVF on hold:(

Well, my progesterone levels never went back down, so the Dr. had me stop all meds and is going to wait until I start my period and start all over. So, this sets us back about a month. He says we still have a good chance and it is just a bump in the road. We are both pretty upset about it anyway. Thank goodness for my wonderful husband, I don't think I could do this with out him.

Disappointed :(

I was supposed to start my stims tonight, but when I went for my blood work today they said my progesterone levels are too high, so I have to wait:( They want me to continue the Lupron and come back Sunday. Hopefully I'll be able to start Sunday night. I am so sad and worried. They assured me it is just a normal bump in the road and the Lupron should bring it down. This got me realizing that there may be MANY disappointments along the way. In the end I may end up with the HUGE disappointment of not conceiving. For this reason I think I am going to be a little more private about my IVF. I am still going to update my blog because to me it is like a diary of my experience that I'll always want to remember, I'm just not going to post it to my facebook anymore. This will be the last. If you truly care about what's going on and really want to know, feel free to check in every once and a while.

One a happier note...
I am the PROUD Godmother to the beautiful Aryanna Bella Cuccio! She is so perfect and amazing! I was blessed to be there today. She weighed 7 lbs even and was 21 inches long:) I am going to be spoiling her big time! Maybe I'll have a girl and they can be BFF like me and my wonderful friend Mary:) I love you so much girl!

Update

Tonight will be my 5th Lupron injection. No bad side effects other than feeling a little tired, bloated, and some soreness and bruising at the injection sites. Today was also my last day of birth control! Thursday I go for blood work and U/S in the morning and will start my stims that night. This should all be happening in the next 2 weeks! I am beyond ready! I am so hopeful. Sometimes I feel so sure that it will work, and sometimes I'm sure it will fail. At this point we have tried for so long, that it is hard for me to imagine actually being pregnant. All that I can do at this point is pray and hope that it is God's will for me to conceive this time.

1st day of Lupron

Kenny just gave me my first Lupron injection. I have to say I was nervous at first, but he did great! It barely hurt! Next Thursday we start the stims, so he will be giving me a total of 3 injections per night until the egg retrieval. Then we will do the HCG shot like before, and then I start the progesterone. Things are moving along and we are so excited!

This is what $1900 worth of medication looks like...

Over the next month, all of this will be in me! Forgive me if I am acting a little crazy!!

I start the Lupron next week, and the others the week after. There are also antibiotics so that I don't get an infection after the egg retrieval. 5 of the meds are injecatable! I guess now is a good time to get over my fear of needles:p